I Want to Give in To Being a Bitch

I'd like to think that I am, in general, a very nice person. There are very few people I can honestly say I dislike. I tend to get very happy when good things happen to the people around me and very rarely have I struggled with jealousy in my life. My being nice may have more to do with the fact that I've led a pretty charmed life, and less to do with the fact that I am actually incredibly nice however. I'm beginning to think that deep down, I'm a super bitch.

Two years ago, my husband and I tried to have another baby, and let's just say, we paid a lot of money to have a doctor tell me that Aydan was almost as much a miracle baby as Jesus. Now, immediately following that pronouncement, I was sad. Sad is perhaps a bit of an understatement, since I really struggled for quite a few months before I finally gave in and asked a doctor if what I was feeling was normal. Having my family physician tell me that what I was going through was perfectly normal, I was able to pull it back together...slowly. I also told my friends that some of their words of comfort made me want to hit them. For anyone wondering, telling someone who has recently found out they cannot have anymore children things like this will make them want to hit you:

1. "If it was meant to be, it'll happen"
2. "You should be happy you at least have one baby"
3. "Doctors can be wrong"

And here is why these things made me want to hit people:

1. This hurts because there are plenty of parents out there who don't want the kids they have, don't look after the kids they have, or abuse the kids they have. Telling me that I would be pregnant if it "were meant to be" is insinuating that these people deserve their kids more than I would, and that is very offensive.

2. I was 19 and in college when I got pregnant. I lived in a fairly small town. The entire time I was pregnant, every adult in my life told me things like "Oh..you're pregnant! But you used to be so smart!" and "That's a real shame". These comments did not make me especially excited about my impending parenthood. I was also single, scared, and struggling to finish college (which I'm proud to say I did). I spent the majority of the time I was expecting ashamed, scared, and unhappy. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother. Aydan is a wonderful little boy and has been a delight to raise, but I was not prepared to be a mother and it was a frightening and stressful job to suddenly be pushed into. I would very much like to know what it's like to be pregnant because you wanted to be and have people say things like, "Congratulations!". Also, having Aydan doesn't make me want another baby any less, and telling me I should be satisfied with him alone just makes me feel guilty. I do not think I should be forced to feel guilty for wanting another baby, because that desire certainly does not mean that I don't want the child I've got.

3. For months after I found out I wouldn't have any more children I silently hoped that I would still get pregnant, and every four weeks or so, I would sneak to the pharmacy and buy a pregnancy test "just in case." Every 4 weeks, I would spend an entire day crying because I was not pregnant. Hoping that the doctor was wrong made me more miserable than hearing what he had to say in the first place. It was agonizing hoping, but trying not to, and then being disappointed on a level I had never thought possible before. Hope is not always a comfort. Learned that lesson the hard way.

The reason I am suddenly thinking that I am not the nice person I believed myself to be stems from the news that one of the couples my husband and I are friends with are expecting their first child. I had known that she wanted a baby soon, but my husband dropping the news that she was pregnant caught me off guard and the first thought that sprung to my head was "That bitch will make a terrible mother." This is not true! Not even in the slightest! In fact, I think they will both make excellent parents. But try as I might, every time I think of it, the inner voice in my head practically screams profanities. Every time I imagine seeing her little baby bump or going to her shower, I am torn between breaking into sobs or throwing up.

As much as I would love to attribute those nasty thoughts to grief, I'm pretty sure I'm way past the point of grieving now. I had thought that I had completely dealt with the whole no more babies thing. So, I'm really frightened that I'm just a total bitch and I never knew it before.